8. What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The Bogeyman

9. What is a golfer’s favorite bird?

Any birdie they can find

10. A player asked his golf coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”

The coach replied, “You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

11. When is it too wet to play golf?

When your golf cart capsizes

12. Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.

13. Did you hear about the two guys that met at a golf course?

It was the beginning of a beautiful friend-chip!

14. What’s the easiest shot in golf?

Your fourth putt

15. There are three ways to improve your golf game: 

take lessons, practice constantly, or… start cheating!

16. Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

A golf course

17. What’s the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

When a golfer lies he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

18. If you golf on an election day, make sure to cast an absent-tee-ballot.

19. Golf balls are like eggs.

They’re white, sold by the dozen, and after a week you need to buy some more!

20. Are you a scratch golfer?

I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where the heck it went.

21. Why is golf called golf?

Because F&*% was already taken!

22. Do you know how the moon got craters?

Three Words: Chuck Norris Golf

23. Golfer: “I think I’ll go drown myself in that lake.”

Caddie: “I don’t think you’ll keep your head down long enough.”

24. Golf is a lot like taxes…you go for the green and come out in the hole!

25. It takes a serious amount of balls to golf like I do.

26. If your opponent can’t remember if he shot a six or a seven on a hole, chances are he had an eight on it.

27. I shot one under at golf today.

One under a tree, one under a bush, and one under the water

28. Bad at golf?

Join the club.

29. I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break!

30. What does a golfer love to hear from his wife?

Talk birdie to me!

31. I only hit two good balls today…when I stood on a rake!

32. Man, that dwarf is good at putting and chipping. His short game is at a different level!

33. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off work will soon take up work to get his mind off golf.

34. Golf was once a rich man’s sport but now it has millions of poor players!

35. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?

Clubbing

36. I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!

37. Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing!

38. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles!

39. The secret of playing good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often!

40. I’m so bad at golf that I have to go get my ball retriever regripped more often than my clubs.

41. The higher a golfer’s handicap, the higher the chance of him telling you what you’re doing wrong!

42. Many golfers prefer a cart instead of a caddy because a cart cannot count, criticize, or laugh!

43. Golfer: I would move heaven and earth to get a birdie today.

Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth today.

44. The best person to play golf with is someone who always plays a little bit worse than you do.

45. Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

46. In golf, the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you!

47. There’s no game like golf. 

You go out with three friends, play 18 holes, then come back with three enemies!

48. Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?

He was puttering around.

49. Golf: a 5-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

50. Golf is harder than baseball because in golf you have to play your foul balls.

51. I wish I could play my normal game…Just once!

52. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul-it-again.”

53. I play in the low 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

54. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.

55. The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.

56. Where do ghouls and ghosts play their golf?

On a golf corpse.

57. What do golfers do on their days off?

Putter around.

58. What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars?

Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.

59. Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

60. Which actress is incredible at golf?

Minnie Driver.

61. What did the sign above the golf club bar say?

“Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”

62. What do you call a really friendly golfer?

A social putterfly.

63. Golf is a game invented by God to punish people who retire early. 

64. What do you call a monkey who wins the Masters?

The chimpion!

65. What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?

A lot of greens and water.

66. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… 

They shoot a “six”, yell “fore” and write “five”.

67. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

68. Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice

69. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

70. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

71. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … 

Once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

72. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

73. What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?

The Bogey.

74. “You’re late on the tee, John.”

“Yes, well, it being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”

“Okay, but why are you so late?”

“I had to toss it 15 times!”

75. A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, 

“Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”

Mike Noblin

Mike has been involved with sports for over 30 years. He’s been an avid golfer for more than 10 years and is obsessed with watching the Golf Channel and taking notes on a daily basis. He also holds a degree in Sports Psychology.

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