Ever since the game of golf was invented, golfers have been insulting each other on the course in a light-hearted manner. A key to having a good time on the golf course is learning to not take the game so seriously.
Making a joke of your playing partner’s shots can be just as fun as sinking a long birdie putt! These golf insults are guaranteed to be a hole in one (see what we did there?!)
1. The next time your buddy hits a frustrating “worm burner” off the tee, tell him…
“It’s okay, you had a bad lie.”
2. Freddy hit such a bad putt that he was still the furthest from the hole…
Instead of telling Freddy he was ‘still away’, Monty told him, “That’s a USGA putt, which stands for U Suck Go Again!”
3. Martha hit a terrible shot that only dribbled a few yards down the fairway. She asked her playing partner, Lisa, what she had done wrong.
Lisa replied, “From what I saw, you are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.”
4. Mark was frustrated after a terrible experience in the bunker…
Steve said, “Cheer up old buddy! Hitter got you on that hole. Two shots in the bunker!”
5. The next time your buddy plays badly on the front 9, tell him…
“Don’t worry 007, you’ll do better on the back 9!” When he inevitably asks why you called him 007, tell him, “you’ve hit 0 fairways, 0 greens in regulation, and lost 7 golf balls!”
6. Susie left a putt well short of the hole…
Terry replied, “It was a smart move to lay up there, especially with that lie.”
7. Jim hit a wicked slice off the tee. Scott told him…
“Don’t worry, there’s room over there. A living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, plenty of room!”
8. After Mike painfully missed his third two-foot putt of the day, Jack said…
“Maybe that’s just not your distance!”
9. The next time you outdrive your playing partner by quite a bit of distance, tell him…
“Click, Click, Click. My ball is taking aerial pictures of your ball as it flies over it.”
10. Corey was randomly paired up with Charlie for a round by the pro shop. Charlie beat Corey by ten strokes that day.
After the 18th hole, Corey shook Charlie’s hand and said, “I liked you better as a stranger.”
11. Courtney didn’t know how to politely tell her playing partner Jill that she was playing too slow.
Courtney finally said, “Please just hit the ball. My clothes are going out of style just waiting on you.”
12. The next time your buddy hits a bad shot and blames it on poor club selection, just tell him…
“It was the right club, just the wrong player.”
13. Javier left his birdie putt well short of the hole.
Anthony turned to him and said, “hard to get it near the hole with all that chicken sh** on your ball.”
14. The next time you hit one of those little annoying pop-up shots off the tee…
Tell your buddies that you used a new club called a “pitching wood.”
15. Ricky sliced his drive into the woods for the fifth time that afternoon.
Dan told him, “Don’t worry! I’m sure you have a tree iron in your bag as often as you’re in the woods.”
16. Sally smoked her drive down the center of the fairway and said, “I hit that one all the way to Hawaii.”
Ginger outdrove Sally with her tee shot and said, “I paid for the nonstop flight. You seem to have had a layover in Dallas.”
17. Ralph hit a towering 320-yard drive right down the center of the fairway.
David replied,” Don’t worry, shake it off, your next one will be better.”
18. The next time your buddy hits a really bad shot…
Look at him with a serious face and tell him, “I think you may have a loft problem.” When he looks confused say, “LOFT, lack of f***ing talent!”
19. Brad topped his 3-wood and it rolled only about 75 yards down the fairway…
Eddie said, “That’s a condom shot!” Brad looked confused so Eddie said, “it didn’t feel good but it’s safe.”
20. Sarah hit an awful duck hook that wound up in the wrong fairway…
Daisy said, “Well, at least you’re in the fairway for the next hole.”
21. After a particularly bad round, if someone asks you how you played, tell them…
“I didn’t putt the ball well…but I made up for it by not driving the ball well either.”
22. Shawn sliced his tee shot right into the water on a long par 4…
Curtis said, “that’s an AMF ball (Adios Mother F&*%er)”.
23. After your buddy has a particularly bad round, tell him…
“Maybe you’re left-handed.”
24. The next time you outdrive your playing partner by a good bit, tell them…
“You should really take the headcover off your driver next time.”
25. When you are paired with a stranger and he hits a couple of bad shots in a row, ask him…
“Obviously you don’t golf, so what do you do for a living?”
26. Johnny told Paul that he was a scratch golfer. Paul looked at him and said, “Really?”
Johnny said, “Yep, every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
27. The next time your playing partner won’t tend the pin for you ask him, “Do you know how much the pin weighs?”
When he answers “NO”, tell him, “How could you? You haven’t picked up a pin the entire round!”
28. Randall left his putt about 10 feet short of the hole.
Mickey patted him on the shoulder and said, “Maybe you should try hitting it with your purse next time!”
29. When your buddy hits a terrible putt, tell him…
“Don’t sweat it! Other than distance and direction, that was a good putt!”
30. Lisa outdrove Bernice by several yards off the tee. As Lisa walked past Bernice’s ball, she said…
“I heard they were building a new shopping mall here in town.” Bernice looked confused and said, “Really?” Lisa said, “Yep, they are putting it between your ball and mine!”
31. If you have a friend that has a bad habit of not keeping his head down during his golf swing, ask him…
“Is there some pretty naked lady out there in the left side of the woods? Because that’s where you keep looking after every shot!”
32. Anytime a new golfer asks you how they can improve their game, tell them…
“Take 2 weeks off, then QUIT!”
33. If one of your playing partners is having a rough time putting, tell him…
“You seem to be putting worse every day. Today you are putting like it is already the middle of next month!”
34. Phil blasted his downhill putt 30 feet past the hole and completely off the green.
Ricky responded, “Take it easy on the steroids there Superman!”
35. The next time you swing and miss on the tee box, tell your buddy…
“That’s how you complete the perfect practice swing!”
Mike Noblin
Mike has been involved with sports for over 30 years. He’s been an avid golfer for more than 10 years and is obsessed with watching the Golf Channel and taking notes on a daily basis. He also holds a degree in Sports Psychology.